ANDY FORD

Ask Andy: How to be humble in 40 days or less

By: Andy Ford

Posted: 2/27/09

Dear Andy,

I'm a little bit confused about the whole season of Lent. I know that you are hip with all of that Catholic stuff, so perhaps you could explain it to me? Also, I'm not really sure what would be an appropriate item to give up for the season. Any help would be appreciated.

Sincerely,
Holier than thou

Dear Holier Than Thou:

Lent is a period of 40 days that focuses on spiritually preparing for our resurrected Lord to burst from the tomb. Originally, the entire church fasted along with those who were preparing to be baptized on Easter. Often Lent is observed by both giving something up and by taking something on (more prayer, etc.).

Thankfully, Lent now exists to prove to everyone that you’re the most “awesomest Christian EVAR!” Lent is no longer about quiet, painful preparation, but about rubbing your extreme humility in everyone’s faces! And everyone will have to live with the fact that they’re still eating weak, spiritual milk, whilst you chew on tough, spiritual meat (just keep in mind that you’re fasting from that, too).

As an Anglican (just Google it) on campus, I’m under extra pressure to prove my faith to you Protestant heathen. Therefore, “Holier Than Thou,” I offer my Lenten devotions as suggestions:

Walk up and down the main road of campus with your shirt off. Flog yourself while screaming, “This is what your sin does to God!”

During Lent, wear the same pair of underwear -- never wash it. Then bury the said underwear in Pardee Lawn. On the last chapel before Easter, throw the said underwear at people, while screaming, “This is what your sin does to God!”

Give to the poor. Do it and tell everyone you know how much you gave, to whom you gave it and why you did it: because you just love Jesus so much, dude! Carry around a child’s small keyboard so you can tell of “God’s greatness” with a flourish of synthesized goodness.

Pull a St. Simon the Stylite: Erect a forty-five-foot-tall pillar in the middle of the Derthick commons. Live for 40 days on top of said pillar. Gaze adoringly into the sky. When fellow students ask to be one of your disciples (and they will), simply reply with a tired voice, “Come back tomorrow, child. I’m watching and waiting.” If they come back, ask them to describe how the color blue sounds.

Fast from sitting. When a professor asks why you are standing by your desk, reply: “The weight of my sins demand that I give up the comfort of sitting.” When the professor asks that you sit, accuse him of being the Whore of Babylon. If he persists, cover your ears and say, “Get thee behind me, Dude!”

These are just a few options. Or, you know, you could always just not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing, keeping it all to yourself (and your spiritual advisor). But that’s boring. How else will you cleanse this campus of its putrid iniquity?